Hmph I understand now, the effortless humanistic struggle I’ve endured over this period of time. To think I was considered as someone who was humane, intelligent, comprehensible and forgiving? I don’t make sense? I don’t intend to make sense, I don’t intend for you to understand me, you never quite did and possible never will. To live continuously through your pathetic livelihood was to expect you to understand what was true. And to think I knew you, to think you knew me. I still don’t make sense? Hmph, didn’t think you were so insolent, you could at least make the effort to understand, but it was expected. In layman terms… that is, in simple terms you’ve abused my kindness, my happiness, my acceptance, my way of things to your own selfish needs without one spec of remorse and I’m not taking it anymore.
You don’t understand what I’m going though, what I’ve dealt with. You think it’s all rainbows and sunshine with me, but it gets dark, darker as you get to know me, it’ll be dark for you but it’s the brightest it’s ever been for me. It’s been so dark for me I’m beginning to see clearly, through the smoke and dark shadows. Don’t follow, you don’t understand, if you do you’ll end up hurting yourself. Not physically, not mentally… that’s why I stopped, hmph you don’t understand.
What is this? I like it. What is it? This dark feeling? It’s consuming, I’m allowing it, I want it to. It makes me feel in control. It feels disturbing, what’s happening? I want it to continue, you’re wondering why? You tell me, you’re the one that made me this way.
So angry, what has come of me? I understand things much more clearly, but why through this? Why through such anger and hate? Was it you that did not understand me create this entrapment inside me? No, leave it. I will fight it, I won’t give it up for an easy defeat. I’m shallow, I’m angry, I’m nothing to what you expected, but it’ll pass. You will realize what you have done; it will be too late for you, but not for me. You have created your own demise. Understand what you have done.
Two types of people, Angry and Happy, I was once the Happy, now I’m neither.
What am I to do? This feeling inside continues to dramatically change my way of thinking, the way my emotions react. It is defeating me for reasons I do not understand. Am I getting weak? Do I still feel the same? What is happening? So many questions, all simple enough to be answered yet I can’t seem to answer them. Maybe they aren’t simple questions? Maybe I’m just tricking myself to believing that I still might have a chance. Why? I know it is undoable. Am I at war with myself? No that can’t be it. Do I just reject what is needed and accept the irrelevant mind bubbling bullshit? No that can’t be it. Moving on is what’s needed, I do move on but I just don’t let go. It follows me as if it’s my shadow. How do you destroy a shadow? You can’t. Am I stuck with this? I can’t be, there has to be a way. I just need to find it. Without hesitation I continue to confuse myself… I AM confusing myself… I can’t accept this… I must understand. There is no questioning it. ‘Efficacious’
An inspirational emotion has come forth. Where have you been? Wait.. It’s not a inspirational emotion, nor is it anything terrible. Am I still confused? My journey still continues. Lost on this dark path, I have no where to go. It just seems like every thing is a dead end. So what is this feeling? This emotion? I just can’t quite understand it. It feels good, I feel relieved… better? Hmm me being the confused one yet I’m so a head of everyone else… does this mean I’m the confused one and I was just portraying what I felt in me on others and blaming them? No that can’t be it, I know of my mistakes, of my sins. I know of the things I do, the reasons behind it. I don’t do it for selfish reasons, they might seem it, but are not. it falls down to understanding. You just don’t have the determination to understand me.However try to understand this…. I’m this because I am, I did this, because I must. You were just a distraction I thought would help. Such a fool I was. I don’t regret it anymore. Remorse is for the weak only to those who don’t understand…. I understand, therefor I am not weak… Understanding is the basis of principle…….. I don’t make sense? hmph… I never intended too.
Perfection… Why would someone want to be perfect? Perfection is lonesome. No one wants to be alone. Perfection does not allow us to be who we are, its limitations are excruciating. Emptiness is all you’ll get. Our desires are not met for obvious reasons however most over look that and do what they can. Our desires are mostly to be perfect. Why would someone want to be perfect? No imagination, no happiness, no indulging oneself with pleasures and knowledge, the essence of life itself and its journey. It is as with everything else; perfection is something we cannot meet, something most hungry individuals want are lost in it, an effortless struggle. ‘Perfection is Imperfection’.
These were my thoughts at the beginning of last year. I still think like this at times and I'll probably get back into have my post more 'poetic' (not sure if that would be the correct term). A lot of things has changed, except my way of thinking.
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