I'm listening to Ludovico Einaudi. A pianist, he's music is so peaceful, and I'm listening to it while I'm this torment of a state. I don't know how the both work. I don't know if its calming me or if its fueling what I'm feeling. I'm in the dark, typing this. Wondering if I should share my disturbing thought with you. If I should actual share to you a terrible side of me that I had noted you will never possibly understand. I personally don't understand it myself, yet I do. At times. He disgusts me so much. I thought I could go to him despite what he's done, I thought I had actually forgiven him and was thinking if I should speak to him. Then at least I can move away from this house for some time and just relax but I've lost so much respect for him now. Respect I thought I had already lost for him but I now see there was a whole other level I never thought of. Something I didn't damn expect from him. That pathetic fucking cunt. How can he even be my dad. Like that whole "Luke I am your father" How could Darth Vader me he's father when they were so different despite the good he once had. I truly wish no one to go through what I'm going through right now. You would be in such denial, in such a terrible situation. That overall feeling when you think you believe in something then it just gets destroyed right in front of your eyes. Your trust in your friends just disappear, all these thoughts. The negativeness. It'll honestly emotionally/mentally kill me. You know that whole stress can kill a person. I blame him for all of this. What I'm going through. Every little fucking thing thats negative in my life right now I'm blaming him. I don't care if its bad I don't care if its against the Islamic rules. To hate your father so much that you just have some passion for it. He deserves what he's getting done to him that pathetic fucking disgusting gutless wanker. My mother said, those who have it really rough in the life have it easy in the next. A heaven, I'm starting to question if there is a heaven or if there is a god. I'm in denial right now.
Annoying thing is, I'm going to wake up tomorrow, all grumpy. See my friend who I love to bits cause he's an epic person. Possibly see my other friend cause it's a Friday and just have a good ol Black Ops session. Then there's actual class. Where the people that don't know you will expect you to be the person you were on the first day. Some happy fucking chappy person that think that "oh my dads a cunt and he ruined my life doesn't matter I'll just be happy becuase that how I was the first fucking day and I'll do it because they just keep asking me and if I tell em to back off they're going to take it the wrong way and I'm the bad fucking guy."
This is why I like design/art Its free in the sense where you imagination can run wild. This is why I like Psychology because even though I'm being put through this I find it interesting. How people around me react, how I react around them. How the world is when I'm in a specific mood, how my brain will function, my sleeping patterns. People think I'm just in the basics of psychology. I'm not I like to think I'm more interested in it then most of the people actually studying it. I've kind of wondered off with this post.
I'm listening to Ludovico Einaudi - Oltremare right now. So beautiful. Works so well with my anger and disgust. Music works in such wonderful ways.
Which comes to the point. Whether I should share my disturbing thought with the world. My answer. Is no.
No comments:
Post a Comment